Judy's Dread
by M2S
Summary: Judy the receptionist's POV. Dread during the Grave Danger ep. Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

A/N: This is a follow up to my very first fanfic, Judy's Crush. Of course another post Grave Digger. We've got all summer to flog this dead horse. I don't think you have to read Judy's Crush to read this, but it might help.

* * *

When I heard, I don't know how I kept from losing it right there, in the lobby. I had just seen him, earlier that day. We had breakfast - his "famous green chile egg scramble" as he calls it. It always makes me wonder whom it is famous to besides a few Stokeses and me.

I walked numbly down the hall. I didn't see any faces. Everything was blurry. I took off my glasses and rubbed my eyes. I walked into the women's restroom and I sat in the hard plastic chair that is inexplicably in the corner. Then I ran into a stall and threw up those famous eggs.

No one gave me a second thought. Why should they? I was worried just like everyone else in the lab. After all, I was the receptionist, and everyone knows that Judy the receptionist has a crush on Nick, but it's just a crush.

Except that it wasn't a crush. Now it was different. It was real. We had kept it quiet. It wasn't that we didn't want anyone to know. It was more like a guarded treasure. If you tell someone about a treasure, they want a piece, and I had been treasuring Nick. We never talked about it. It was an unspoken agreement. Work was work and our time was separate, and never equal, always superior.

There was so much I wanted to say to him. Things that I thought I had time to say. I had been scared to tell him how deep my feelings were running. My feelings of how he had turned out to be everything I had ever wanted. Of how the crush I had on him at one time was nothing compared to the crushing love I now felt. Of how I could overlook how white his legs looked in black shorts to know how good it felt to wake up next to him, and to feel his heart beat and sleepy breathing on my neck.

Warrick knew, but being Warrick, he never said anything. Sometimes he would give me a certain look when I waved at Nick walking through the hall. He would wink at me and grin and Nick glare at him playfully, as if to say, "Quit hitting on my woman". And that is what I was, Nick's woman. My crush had become my lover. And more.

How much more? I sat in the bathroom, my eyes red and aching from the tears. What if they didn't find him? What if I never had the chance to tell him how much he meant to me? What if? What if?

I would tell him that I loved every piece. I had never really understand the Song of Solomon in the Bible until I had caught myself watching him play around one evening in his shorts and no shirt. He had been working in his small courtyard and I was sitting in the lounge chair, drinking a beer and just looking. Drinking him up with my eyes like I sucked the beer out of the longneck. And I understood. His legs were long and strong, pillars of marble. I longed to run my hands over the muscles in his torso, his back. His eyes were peaceful and calming as doves. When we lay in his bed and he dozed gently, I would lean over and just breathe in the fragrance that was his. His smell was like no cologne, no perfume. But his smile was best of all. His lips were soft and supple as the petal of a lily. His mouth was milk and honey. His smile could power Las Vegas. His smile could melt me in a moment. He was altogether lovely. My beloved was mine, and I was his. No, I hadn't understood the Song of Solomon at all. Now I did. Now it might be too late.

Warrick sought me out in a quiet moment. We were in an out of the way part of the lab. Though I tried to hold up, he pulled me to him, folding me up against him in those strong arms. I felt myself collapse against him and my sobs came again.

"We will find him," Warrick said. I couldn't answer. The sobs strangled anything that would come out of my throat. I clutched at Warrick's clothes, thankful for his strong presence, but ashamed at my complete loss of control. "We will find him," he repeated, though I wasn't sure if it was for me, or if it was for himself.

I stayed at the lab. What else could I do? I avoided the AV lab. I couldn't watch him struggling in the box. How could any of them? But I stayed at the lab. Home was no place I could go and find relief knowing that he was out there.

I had finally pulled it together enough to meet his parents when they came through the door. They were just as he had described, and I could see the distress and worry in both their eyes. I showed them to the conference room where Grissom was waiting. Catherine gave me a concerned look, and I wondered just how red my eyes were.

After they had been shown the horrible sight of Nick struggling in the box, they had been offered a small room to sit in while we all waited. I stepped in and offered them some coffee. It sounded surreal. Have some coffee while you wait to find out whether your son makes it. And by the way, when he makes it, I am going to tell him I want be with him for the rest of my life and bear his children.

"Are you - are you Judy, Nick's Judy?" his mother asked. I was surprised. Though I had heard all about them, I wasn't sure how much Nick had told them about us.

"Yes," I found myself answering. She held her arms out and we embraced. The tears were flowing freely again. To my surprise, his father stood up and held us both.

And we all continued to wait.

I thought again about all that I hadn't told him. I thought we had plenty of time. And time was what it was all down to now.

Hodges cornered me in the break room when I was retrieving my diet Dr. Pepper from the small fridge. I stood with the door open, absorbing the cool air. I thought about the first time I had offered Nick lunch. It had been chicken and dumplings. How many times had I made lunch for him since then?

I was hoping the caffeine would help my zombified state. I was hoping to appear more normal. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't even make myself go home.

"They will find him," Hodges said. "We will find him," he corrected himself. I gave him what I hoped was a typical worried look. I didn't want him to see the heart crushing dread that was actually oozing out of my being. "How are you holding up?" he asked, real concern in his face.

"I'm… I'm fine. I'm just worried like everyone else," I found myself saying. My eyes burned from crying and my voice was hoarse. I looked almost as bad as I felt. But I knew it wasn't as bad as Nick had to feel and look. My Nick, my buried heart.

"But you aren't like everyone else," Hodges said. He gripped my elbow gently. "I know you and Nick have something going on," he said quietly. My eyes filled with tears at his concern. "You shouldn't be here, to hear and see this." Here was a Hodges I had never seen before.

"Where else can I be, David?" I asked, my voice cracking and the wellspring that I thought I had dried out threatening to flow again. Where else could I have been? At home, in my too small bedroom, holding the pillow he had slept on the last time he was there? Could I have gone to his house, where a lot of my things had been migrating over the past couple of months? I could not have gone away from where everyone was working so diligently to find him. I didn't know how his parents were holding up, but at least they had each other. I had David Hodges.

"Thank you. I really appreciate your thinking of me," I said, and I meant it. I felt a little better knowing that someone else knew that I was more than just worried. First Warrick, and now Hodges, had stepped in to comfort me.

Too bad it was small comfort. I had heard the muttering, though I tried not to.

_Plexiglas tomb._

_Gun._

_Battery operated fan and lights._

_Ants. Eaten alive._

Hodges and I were startled when Grissom erupted from his office with an entomological text in his hands.

"Fire ants!" he exclaimed. Hodges and I exchanged startled looks and followed him down the hall. Before long, the other CSI's were crowded around a table with a map of Vegas. They were speaking rapid fire and drawing overlapping circles. Sara ran out to another office and returned. She knew where he was.

"They've found him," I gushed to Hodges, who squeezed my hand. I didn't realize until then that I had been holding his hand in a death grip. I looked up at him, trying to hold the hope down, but just like the dread had rushed before, the hope sprung forward. Hodges had a strange look on his face.

"Judy, forgive me, but there is one thing that keeps puzzling me," he said and extricated himself from my grip to walk down the hall. I was confused by his manner, but the hope in my heart drowned it all out. I tried to catch Warrick's eye, but he was focused on what Sara was saying. Grissom was barking orders, and everyone jumped to do what he said, not only because he was Grissom, but also because it was Nick they were after. Warrick was the last to leave the room and he stopped long enough to grab me by the shoulders.

"I'll call you as soon as we have him," he said.

"Call his parents first," I said. "But make sure mine is the second number that gets dialed." He gave me a quick squeeze, and strode out with the others. The looks on their faces did more to squelch my hope than anything else. Now the dread was competing with it for command of my emotions.

"God, please let them get there in time. Please keep him safe. Please give me a chance to tell him what I've been too afraid to say," I prayed. Now I had to wait to get my answer. I remembered my grandmother's admonishment when I was a child.

"God answers all prayers, Judy. You have to listen for the answer, and He doesn't abide by our schedule," she had said. My grandmother had been confident of God's love. I wish I had her confidence. I had been praying for a puppy then. I had never gotten it.

"Dear God," I prayed. "I will do whatever you ask of me."

When they all fled out into the morning, I wanted desperately to rush with them. I wanted to be there to find him. I could only stand in the wings. His parents had gone to a hotel. I was alone in a crowd. We were all worried about Nick. But I knew that if something happened to him, I would break into a thousand tiny pieces. I would spend the rest of my life trying to put those pieces back together, but I would fail. I didn't even have my grandmother's faith to hold me.

"You've done it before," a small voice inside me said. Yeah, I had pulled it together after a bad marriage, after a bad situation. But this was different. If something happened to Nick, how would I last? He had been in my life such a short period of time, but he had made all the difference. How would I last?


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I still do not own CSI.

A/N: Final chapter. Judy continues to agonize over Nick's burial in Grave Danger.

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So I stood and watched until I could no longer see the flashing lights or hear the sirens. Even then, I couldn't manage to move from the spot. I thought of the first time Nick and I really went out. I didn't count the night I had gone to his house with pizza and beer. It had been so confidant and out of character for me. That had been more of a friendly, very friendly, getting to know each other. This had been an honest-to-God date. He had come to my desk and asked me out.

"So, I thought you might like to go out. What about breakfast, this morning?" he said. I looked around to see if anyone heard him. Though I knew we had a great time when I had gone to his house, I had almost expected it to be a one-night event only. I hadn't anticipated that the object of my desperate crush would ask me out. But he did. Of course I said yes.

It had been casual. He had picked me up right after shift. He looked fresh and clean and smelled utterly irresistible. I couldn't wipe the stupid grin off my face. He took me to a pretty nice café in one of the casinos.

"I figured you might not want eggs or pancakes," he had said. "And this place does it all, and they do it all pretty well." He had flashed that smile at me. Even when I thought about it, I would get warm all over. I could be totally aggravated at him for being in a foul mood after a shift, though I would understand why, and he would flash that smile at me and I would do anything for him.

That breakfast had led to lunches and suppers and quiet mornings lying in a pile of limbs. More and more I thought of his house as my home. That was where I felt drawn to and he was all I needed.

The dread was winning over the hope again.

"Please, please God. I need him to be OK. I need him." I prayed again. I jumped when a voice interrupted my reverie. I turned from the window of the door to the parking lot.

"I need Gil and Catherine's cell phone numbersnow," demanded Hodges. I was confused. "NOW Judy, they are all in grave danger!" he shouted. I ran to my desk to pull the numbers. I shouted Catherine's cell phone number to him as I ran. For some reason I knew it by heart. All those times she had paged Nicky.

"What is it?" I cried. But then I heard Hodges conversation. Explosives were wired to the Plexiglas. "That goddamn son-of-a-bitch," I said. My knees crumpled under me. All of this, and now the coffin was wired with pressure switches? I felt like I would pass out. The little bit of diet Dr. Pepper I had drank earlier revolted in my stomach. I put my hands over my face and breathed gulping, shallow breaths. This was not the answer I had wanted to hear from God.

Hodges knelt beside me. I felt him lift me up from my kneeling position.

"I caught them in time," he said. "Judy, he's going to be OK."

"Not until I get the call from Warrick," I mumbled as he led me back to the break room couch. He wet a paper towel and held it to my head and then on my neck. The urge to vomit was still present, but I wasn't on the verge of hyperventilating. "I've got to get to my desk. Warrick will call," I said and stood up on shaking legs. Hodges helped me by holding my hand as we walked up the hallway. Never had it seemed so long. Never had I felt so unsteady on my own legs. I was making deals with God in my head.

"I will give him up, if you will let him live. He can go back to Texas with his parents and I will never follow if that is what it takes," I offered. "Just give me a sign of what you would have me to do," I promised. God remained silent, but the phone rang. I grabbed it with a grip that would have throttled the handset were it alive. "Yes," I all but yelled into the phone. Hodges still stood by me.

"He's headed to Desert Palms," Warrick said over static. "I'm in the ambulance with him now. Get your ass over there." I didn't answer. I slammed the phone down onto its cradle and pulled Hodges into a fierce hug.

"He's OK," I said, crying again, but this time tears of joy. The hope that had battled my dread was now vindicated. I cried and cried onto Hodges shoulder. Exhausted emotionally and physically, I could no longer contain any of my feelings. It must have been a strange site – Judy the receptionist, her curly hair unkempt, make-up runny, and tears streaming down her face embracing Hodges in a bear hug that threatened to crack his spine.

"I'll drive you," he said. "There's no way you are in any condition to operate large machinery," he added. Hodges was hiding behind his usual acerbic nature, but I would never be able to thank him enough for finding out about the explosives. I would never be able to thank him enough for saving Nick.

It had been tense waiting in the hospital. I could see Sara and Greg giving me odd glances when I had walked in on Hodges arm. Warrick came up and hugged me. Catherine was in the ER, collecting evidence. Nick was a walking crime scene. Except, of course, he wasn't walking anywhere. Grissom walked up as well.

"They've got his room ready. His parents are there, waiting for him. As his next of kin, they will be the only ones to decided who can come in," he said. I was taken aback that he knew about us, but I guess at this point, all of them knew. I sat down beside Warrick, who held my hand. Hodges sat on the other side of me.

He had really rescued me that night. He had driven my car to the hospital and provided me with wet wipes to wipe my face off. It didn't really surprise me that he carried a small pack around with him. It surprised me how calming he was.

"Judy, he's going to be fine. It's nothing but a waiting game," he had said. I had wiped my face, reveling in the cold feel of the wipes. I dug through my glove compartment and found a hairbrush and an elastic band. I pulled my out-of –control hair into a bushy ponytail. I found some moisturizer in my purse.

"You might not be able to see him right away," he continued. "If not, I want you to go home and get some rest."

"No," I had said. "I can't until I see him." Now that I knew he was alive, I could focus. I could feel the strength returning to me. He was alive, and I could do anything required. If I had to wait one hundred years to see him, I would. I was all resolve and steel. I looked at David Hodges and smiled a shaky smile. "I'm OK now," I said.

"I can see that," Hodges said, his brow furrowed. "You are a lot tougher than you look, Judy." That made me snort.

"After I cried a river on your shoulder? I couldn't even stand on my own two feet," I said. Now that I had strength again, I couldn't believe how badly I had fallen apart. The panic gripped my heart again, momentarily, as if to remind me that I was totally and utterly fallible.

Hodges shook his head at me.

"Anyone else would have lain in the break room or had to be sedated. You kept doing your damn job, the whole time," he said. His voice was almost awestruck, if Hodges could be awestruck by anything other than Mia.

I looked at him as we sat in the waiting room. Hodges, the nice guy, was my new friend. I took his hand. It was funny, really. Warrick was cradling my right hand and Hodges was passively holding my left. Eat your heart out Mia.

We continued to wait. I found myself drowsy. I couldn't believe my body had the nerve to be sleepy. I thought about all the things I would do for Nick after this. If I did nothing else, I would tell him how much I loved him. We had avoided the words, as if actually saying them would make our magic time together disappear. I hoped he felt the same about me, but ultimately, it didn't matter.

I woke with a start. I was slumped awkwardly against Warrick. He was cradling me gingerly. I bolted upright, remembering where I was.

"Anything yet?" I asked. "Where's David?" Hodges was no longer beside me.

"I sent Hodges home. Nick's doing great. He is in the room with his parents. He's not conscious now," Warrick informed me. I must have looked anxious at the mention of unconsciousness. "Don't worry. It's the medication. They've given him a lot of antihistamines for the ant bites. He's dehydrated, and he has someabrasions and a cracked rib or two. Physically, he's actually doing very well."

"It's the mental we've got to worry about now," I said. Warrick only nodded.

"Grissom and Catherine have gone to speak with Nick's parents. Then the rest of us will probably head home," Sara said as she and Greg walked up. They each had a cup of coffee. Sara had a diet Dr. Pepper in her hand.

"I knew I had never seen you drink coffee," Greg said. "So, Sara brought you one of these." I accepted the canned drink and thanked them both.

"So, you and Nick?" said Sara. She gave me an appraising look. "This has been very hush, hush for a lab that thrives on gossip," she said, and smiled. She looked tired. They all did. It made me feelgood knowing that they all loved Nick the way they did.

"Well, not anymore, I guess," I said. It didn't matter. None of it mattered. I would shout it from the pinnacle of the Luxor if it would make a difference.

"You knew?" Greg said to Warrick, who nodded. Sara gave him a small, friendly shove. Now that we all knew he was OK physically, a giddy euphoria was setting in. I could see the exhaustion in all of their faces. These folks needed a break.

Grissom walked into the waiting room.

"He's in good condition, physically. They expect him to sleep for a while, so everyone needs to go home. His parents are here with him, so there's really no more we can do." The crew nodded their heads. I could see Catherine and Jim Brass outside the waiting room doors. Catherine had her kit by her side. They all walked toward the door. Suddenly, I felt very alone. I eyed the couch on the other side of the waiting room. I wondered if one of the nurse's would let me have a pillow and a blanket. I figured I would ask them to relay a message to Nick's parents that I was there.

Warrick had reached the door and turned to me.

"You should go home and get some rest," he said. "I'll drive you." I shook my head.

"I'll stay here until I can talk to his parents." At that moment, Grissom came back through the waiting room doors from where he had been talking with Brass.

"Judy," he said. I looked at him expectantly. "Nick's mother wanted me to bring you up to the room."

We walked up the hallway. I glanced back at Nick's friends. They had known him longer. I wondered if they were jealous. I would have been, but right now, I wouldn't have given this up for anything. I felt inexplicably nervous about seeing his parents again, but the tantalizing thought of seeing Nick held fast.

"How did she know I was here?" I asked Grissom. He smiled at me. I had never noticed how blue his eyes were before.

"She just knew. She said to send you up here, because Nick would want that," he said. "If you would like, I'll go ahead and put you down for a few days vacation. I am sure Conrad wouldn't mind," he offered. They were all so nice.

We arrived at the room. Grissom took my hand into both of his. He didn't say anything, just patted my hand and opened the door for me.

There was my beautiful Nick, swelled and red all over from the ant bites. His lips were dry and cracked. All in all, he looked as if a touch would break him into a thousand pieces. IV's and monitor lines seemed to run out everywhere. Another passage from the Song of Solomon hit me.

"O daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you - if you find my lover, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love."

Nick's father met me and put his arm around my shoulders. His mother stood up and embraced me. When she let go, I walked over to the side of Nick's bed. It even looked like he had ant bites on his eyelids. I leaned down and kissed him on the side of the face. I whispered in his ear. I promised I would tell him everyday from now on.

My beloved is mine, and I am his.

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A/N: Thanks for sticking with me. Song of Solomon quotes are from the New International Version of the Bible. Not quite as lyrical as the King James, but easily understood.

Anushka: Maybe you could just pretend it's Sara? Thanks for reading even when it isn't N/S.


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